grief

Have you ever seen a ghost? People occasionally report that they’ve seen things move; not directly in a visual way, but more like ‘out of the corner of their eye’. Then when they turn to look, nothing is there! Others have reported seeing people that exhibit some level of transparency and still others have seen ‘patterns’ – discarnates that make their presence known, but seem to be repeating the same things over and over again. But you might be wondering: Is that the same thing that a medium sees?

Not necessarily, although some mediums can [visually] see both ghosts and spirits – and yes, there is a difference between the two. 

As humans, we experience many different types of losses throughout our lives and every one of them will cause us to grieve. It is a normal and natural response to loss, although the grief process can be experienced very differently for each of us. Grieving the loss of a pet can be especially difficult, mainly because our pets are usually thought of as family members; for many of us, they are our ‘fur babies’ – and because they depend on us for food, shelter and love if we lose them, it will oftentimes feel just like we have lost a child. 

Have you ever noticed how our pets love us unconditionally? They don’t care if we’re in a bad mood or if we haven’t showered yet. They love us no matter what! Our animal companions have the ability to bring out the best in us, too. We might teach them to sit or fetch, but they teach us how to become better at nurturing and giving love. I have often felt that we get far more from our pets than what we give them.

Pets also fill our most basic need for physical touch and affection. So when a beloved pet passes away, we are left feeling broken hearted. There is no way around it; we will feel a heavy heart when we can no longer hold, stroke or snuggle with our beloved pets.

And an extra layer of sadness may also be felt when some of the people around us (who don’t have pets of their own) don’t understand the grief we are feeling; they may even say something insensitive like, ‘Why are you so upset? It was only an animal’. Some of you may be shocked to read that, however it does happen...

But we can recover from this type of loss, if we do certain things to help ourselves heal:

• Try to remind yourself that you gave your animal companion a good life and because of that, they didn’t have to struggle for food, water or shelter out in the wilderness or harsh weather. Being in ‘survival mode’ is extremely difficult for animals and it usually shortens their life span considerably. 

• Try to talk with people who understand what you’re going through. Talking about your sadness with others who have gone through the same type of loss can be very helpful. There are even support groups and pet loss hotlines – if you are feeling overwhelmed and need someone to talk to who understands.

Experiencing the death of a spouse can leave us feeling very alone and somewhat helpless.  In the blink of an eye, we are left to handle all of life’s traumas on our own – without the person we are closest to and depend on the most. The world might no longer feel like a ‘safe place’, as we adjust to the vulnerable feeling of now taking on the responsibility of doing some of the tasks our spouse used to do. It can even leave us with ‘surreal feelings’ especially during the first few weeks. A surviving spouse might catch themselves doing things like cooking for two or picking up the phone to call them, in the same way they did when their spouse was alive, because reality hasn’t quite set in yet. So there is usually a period of feeling moderately disoriented and experiencing mixed emotions and as we work to process our grief, and honor their memory – all at the same time. 

Difficulty concentrating is very common after the death of someone close to you. It isn’t uncommon at all to go from feeling uninterested in anything and feeling lethargic to feeling angry with your spouse for dying. After all, they have left you on your own – feeling abandoned and overwhelmed. 

But the grief process is complicated and everyone experiences it differently, and unfortunately, there is no way to avoid it. Loss produces grief for all of us; it’s simply part of the human condition. It does usually ease up a little bit as time passes, although you will still have good days and bad days. There are, however, a few things that you could do that might help.

First, it’s very important to acknowledge any emotions you are feeling, whether they’re good, bad or ugly. It’s not unusual to feel things like anger or guilt; we sometimes even feel relieved at their passing – especially if our spouse was suffering. But when you don’t give yourself permission to feel a full range of emotions, you may not be able to move forward. It’s easy to trap feelings inside of our bodies, resulting in emotional and physical consequences, like [emotional] depression or becoming [physically] ill. So it’s very important that you acknowledge all emotions and express whatever you are feeling to others. If you find that difficult, you might try writing about it.  Some people find it very healing to keep a journal and it’s also common to ‘write a letter’ to your departed spouse; it can be a cleansing experience to express those feelings instead of holding so many emotions inside.

As a medium, understanding the nuances of grief helped me to work with my clients much more effectively. I realized early on that people were not seeking out my services for fun and games - whether they requested a psychic reading or mediumship, they were coming to me because they desperately needed to heal from some type of loss. And every loss experience we have will produce grief. I’m sure you’ve also noticed by now that those losses can certainly add up and eventually become layered. So how can we heal from this? Well first, it’s important to take one day at a time, since the healing process is different for each of us.

It also helps to understand what grief is and what it isn’t. This directly affects how we speak to each other about our losses. Grief is a natural, emotional reaction to loss. There is nothing wrong with you if you have just had a loss and are feeling sad or depressed. When we lose someone (or something, like our health or our job) we are very often left with undelivered communication about how to process that loss and we sometimes make the mistake of thinking that grief can be resolved intellectually. But I’ll bet you didn’t know that our intellect and our emotions don’t speak to each other very well.

For instance, as a medium ‘I know’ there is an afterlife because I have awareness of people who have made their transition back into spirit. I can feel, hear and sometimes see them. So I am naturally attuned to that stream of consciousness. Therefore, through my work, I know that consciousness survives physical death, as I process and interpret this incoming data from them using ‘my intellect.’ On the other hand, when my own beloved mother passed into spirit I grieved exactly the same way that you do, as I processed raw grief through ‘my emotions.’ You see, it didn’t matter what I knew intellectually. My heart was hurting.

So no matter how much intellectual knowledge we have, we still have to move through the emotional process of grief. But there are a couple of things that we can do which might help us to resolve some of the pain we experience through a significant loss. One thing has to do with ‘the language we use’ and the other is about ‘the actions we take.’